Living & Working with Your Spouse’s Service Dog

*For the purpose of this post my husband, who helped me write this post & who helped me owner-train my first service dog, will provide his concerns and frustrations for the “inside the home” viewpoint, but his thoughts and our eventual plan could be applied to anyone who lives with you and helps you out frequently.*

*This has been cross-posted from Robbie’s Training Journal Blog*

​I have Complex Regional Pain Syndrome (CRPS) full body. CRPS is a neurological condition in which the brain & central nervous system perceive all incoming stimuli as pain signals, without distinguishing between the soft touch of a hug or the sharp pain of a paper cut. For those with CRPS, simply living life is painful. There are days when the pain is so unbearable that all I want to do is curl up in bed and not move.

A few years ago I made the decision to adopt a dog & train him to be my service dog in order to help manage my daily pain. Robbie primarily does mobility assistance, but also performs pain interruptions. Robbie in my life means that at least 3x a day I must get up and take him outside, which is good for both of us. Additionally, I try to do things with him a little bit every day. No treatment has worked on me, so for now, working with a service dog is my long-term pain management plan. For the most part, anything I do requires me to grit my teeth and just do it. When my husband is home I will ask for help when I need it, but mostly I try to still be independent where I can be.

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A service dog will change the life of their new handler, and the lives of everyone close to the handler. You may be thinking, well that’s silly — the dog is for the handler, and only their life will change. It’s a reasonable thought. It’s a perfectly understandable thought. It’s exactly what we thought. And we were wrong.

The focus of this article is on how living with a service dog directly changes the life of our spouses, partners, and in some cases, parents. Just as you can’t throw a pebble into a pond without it making ripples, you cannot make the decision to get a service dog without realizing (and accepting) that your decision will impact others. I am in no way trying to discourage anyone from owner-training a service dog if they truly believe a service dog will be beneficial, but I do want to give a voice to our spouses/partners/parents because they will be a part of your service dog team, even if they don’t realize it yet. ​I encourage all of you reading this to open up the floor for a discussion about a service dog, either future or current, and give your spouse a chance to express their feelings about it all without it being a trap. Open communication will make you stronger as a team, even if initial thoughts and words sting a bit.

***All paragraphs from here on written from my husband’s point of view***

Our Initial Thoughts About Training a Service Dog

• Service dog will help Sally so I won’t have to do as much (turns out that was true, but not until about 1.5 yrs after adoption)
• I won’t have to do anything because Sally is the one with training experience
• I may have to take the dog out or feed it every now & then but that’s it
• Sally will always push herself to take care of Robbie, because that's just who she is, but sometimes I will need to help out with the dog, in order for her to rest or take care of herself first

Sally & I were both convinced that because the service dog was for Sally, that meant I would have no or very little part in the dog’s life. This was a poor assumption. ​

Adam’s Concerns Prior to Adoption/Training

Adam’s Concerns During Training

• Worried that Sally wouldn’t have the energy to train or that it would hurt her too much/make the CRPS worse
• Worried that I would be fully responsible for the dog’s care every day
• Will we even be able to train this dog to the caliber we need?
• Was reluctant to have an indoor dog
• Worried that we wouldn’t find a dog 
• Worried we’d get the wrong temperament of dog & then spend months training only to washout. Then what would we do with the failed dog? This concern only grew whenever we had setbacks in training. 
• How much will this cost — vet, gear, training, daily care, etc

• That something would happen to Robbie to wash him out — injury, attack that makes him reactive, etc
  
• That Robbie would hurt Sally, and watching Robbie accidentally hurt Sally & cause flares on numerous occasions was very difficult
  
• If Robbie caused a physical injury, aggravated the CRPS, or Sally shut down that I would be left to train the dog solo
  

Adam’s Frustrations About Training & Living with a Service Dog

*Some of these listed below are shared frustrations*

Since we lived together before getting Robbie, and Sally often needs help with daily activities, we already knew that I would have to be involved with the training process. What we did not realize was just how in depth my participation would be, as required by the professional trainer assisting us.

• Going to the trainer’s every week or two weeks to spend 5-6 hours talking about training exercises, demonstrating what we’d worked on, getting admonished if Robbie was still doing poorly on something

• Having to deal with complete strangers to ask them to participate in training exercises in order to proof Robbie on ignoring people & being turned down sometimes

• Can we go here with the dog? Will the dog be ok here? Is he too stressed, do we need to leave early? We haven’t practiced going to this type of place, can he even handle it? And the fact that we had to consider these questions before we can even go out places

• Irritated that friends and family were not very excited or supportive of Sally getting a service dog. They don’t understand how unique and fragile a working dog is. They don’t understand how much work we’ve put into him. They don’t understand how much Robbie does to help Sally. They constantly degrade Robbie by comparing him to average pets or a friend’s sister’s service dog who is “registered” and isn’t allowed to say hi to people, so that must mean Robbie is a fake. Or complaining that Robbie has to go everywhere with Sally or that Robbie is in their house even if they don’t like dogs. Or when asked nicely to please restrain their aggressive dogs, they get extremely offended. Or worse, be upset that the law requires service dogs to be allowed into any business.

• It wasn’t my project, wasn’t something I was super motivated to do, so other than the occasional fun outing, I wanted nothing to do with it in the beginning. ​

• Over time, I found the training mildly interesting and fun at times,  but it’d be understandable if most partners did not see training as fun. Suddenly you’re being forced to learn something you really have no interest in. ​

• Coming home after a long day of work to spend an hour or two going to town to train for public access or doing tedious exercises was a pain. ​

• Spending off days doing things with the dog instead of having “me” time or things around the house that needed doing​

• Forgetting that I can’t correct Robbie for doing typical “bad dog” behavior such as grabbing things off the floor that aren’t for dogs, because we have to always encourage Robbie to pick up strange objects and praise him for it, has been really hard for me.

Robbie holding a boot

Working dogs come with special rules — allowed to put paws on walls or doors, pick up random objects, be allowed on a hospital bed, being in the cab of the truck without being in a crate, and more — and sometimes it’s hard to fight the instinct to correct the dog.

• Always having a split focus when we go out. You can’t focus entirely on your date night dinner or shopping trip because part of you has to be on the lookout for the dog sniffing or breaking heel, or strangers doing stupid stuff to the dog. While those are mostly Sally’s job, I have to then be on the lookout for strangers trying to distract or pet Robbie and be like a bodyguard. All this while trying to remember why you even came to the grocery store.

• Having to make sure I handle Robbie in a very certain way, against how I always treated pet dogs growing up. Example would be when Robbie was still a puppy and would have an accident in the house. My instinctual reaction would be to yell at the dog, but with Robbie (if after the act), I had to remain totally calm and send Robbie to one of the dog beds before quietly cleaning up the mess and grumbling under my breath.

• When we discovered a phobia, we couldn’t just opt for “oh well he’ll just have to deal with it.” Instead we need to practically bend over backwards working with Robbie until he was okay with the situation/object and it was no longer a phobia. 

Robbie laying by the pool

Which also meant that we couldn't go do fun activities for ourselves if it was something that made Robbie nervous, such as going to the pool or going shooting. We'd have to either cancel plans or make special allowances to work with what Robbie needed.

• When there was a command that Robbie was very stubborn about or we had difficulty teaching it to him, it was rare that we could just drop the command. Most of the time we had to push through and just be very patient because all of Robbie’s commands are vital to his job as a service dog, as well as ease of handling. ​

• Encountering differing opinions with your trainer on how to teach something.

• Minor couple spats over how to train and handle the dog. We'd have the occasional disagreement between Sally & I before we adopted Robbie, but those definitely increased in frequency when the training began. Most of the time it was over little training mistakes or a difference of opinion on how to teach, but all those spats added to the stress of training.

Three Things Will Determine How Much You Do With Your Partner’s SD

1. The severity of the disability & side effects of it
2. How motivated the disabled handler will be to do things
3. How much you are actually willing to help out

Our Arrangement Regarding Robbie’s Daily Care

Devising a plan that both people agree to, will help you and your loved one figure out the best way to incorporate a service dog into your life without its presence completely destroying your relationship and sanity.

Sally's Responsibilities

Adam's Responsibilities

1. Take Robbie out first thing in the morning, at lunch, and at dinnertime 
   
2. Exercise Robbie twice a day
   
3. ​Brush Robbie, clean teeth, give meds when needed. Alternate who gives him a bath twice a month. 
   
4. ​Play with Robbie multiple times a day/run in yard
   
5. Work with Robbie throughout the day
   
6. ​Record all training progress, problems, goals, and more
   
7. ​Feed Robbie
   
8. Pay all Robbie expenses
   
9. Clean up any messes made; we actually later began to alternate through these like with bathes
   

Sally with Robbie

1. Take Robbie out if it's icy, very windy, or too cold or hot for Sally
   
2. ​Take Robbie out at night because there is a higher risk of Sally falling
   
3. ​Dremel Robbie's claws
   
4. ​Occasionally bathe Robbie if Sally is not up to it
   
5. Take care of Robbie when Sally recovers from a medical procedure — all potty breaks, exercise, mental stimulation, play, meals. 
   
6. Work with Robbie on commands specific to myself, such as his alert to let me know Sally needs help
   
7. Help Sally with training exercises that need 2 people, a distraction, or she needs photos/video of her working with him.​​​
   

Adam with Robbie

As you can see, for the most part, Robbie is Sally's responsibility, even when she doesn't feel good. In our opinion that is part of the package deal of choosing to work with a service dog. Once Robbie learned the rest of his tasks, there were more things that he could do to help Sally that I don't have to, such as helping her walk to the bathroom, helping to do laundry, preventing falls, and more. Robbie does not completely negate the need for my help, but he does take some of the load off of my shoulders. He also gives me a little peace of mind, knowing she isn’t alone if she does fall or need help.

I strongly feel that every couple considering a service dog should talk about it in depth before making the decision together. Especially if your spouse plans on owner-training, you will be very involved in the training and will probably get very stressed out in the process.  Even if they obtain a program dog, you still will be involved in the dog’s life in some fashion and should be aware of this ahead of time. Therefore, it's good to discuss everything openly. Together, figure out each person’s roles in the dog’s life, before you bring the dog home. Establishing guidelines can help prevent disagreements later on.

How I Feel When I Have to Do More Than Usual with Robbie

I've learned to expect the unexpected when you live with and love someone with a chronic illness. There are plenty of times where Sally has a setback, a bad flare, or needs to recover from a medical procedure, leaving me as Robbie's primary handler and with way more responsibility than I necessarily want.

For Example... When Sally has dental work done, it usually takes her about a month to recover due to the pain from the actual work and jaw exhaustion. Suddenly, my responsibilities go through the roof. Sally needs to be given medication at certain times, she needs help getting food, going to the bathroom, brought cold packs, etc. Robbie needs to be walked 1-2x a day, weather—permitting given the chance to run outside each day, fed, and given mental stimulation. Sally often tries to sneak out of bed to play and work with Robbie, but invariably gets dizzy and sick from the exertion which doesn’t help anyone. Tack on top of all of that, I also have to keep up with my job, which I do 12 hours a day, 4 days a week. I’m suddenly left with a mountain of responsibilities that are not usually mine to cope with. I never complain to Sally, and I  do my best to never snap at her, but I know she can see how tired I am, and she sometimes feels guilty about it, though we both know there isn’t anything she can do to change it.

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My Thoughts When This Happens…

• I don’t want to! It’s her dog. 
• Do I really have to?
• Well, if I have to, can I say I’ll do it later and hope she forgets about it?
• It slept all day, surely it doesn’t need a walk. 
• I’m tired after a long day of work & I have to come home to work with the dog?

• Minute flashes of irritation/resentment that a simple medical procedure results in bed rest, the need of constant care, and the need for me to care for her dog. These thoughts are small now because I have been involved with the CRPS for several years now. If we were still new in our relationship or the CRPS was brand new, I will admit that taking care of her so closely following a simple procedure and tending to Robbie to this degree would stir up much more resentment and be harder to swallow. Which is understandable, when your partner isn’t familiar with the wrath of CRPS. Additionally, I know Sally very well and know that she is usually very motivated to get up and do things to the point where I have to threaten to tie her to the bed so that she will follow doctor’s orders of bed rest, as opposed to people who might normally be lazy. ​
  

• Just counting down the days until bed rest is over!

Adam’s Advice About Living with a Service Dog, to Others in a Similar Situation as Himself

• Think very carefully about owner-training. It is not for everyone. It is not like training a pet dog.

• If you don’t have enough concern for your partner’s well-being to put your feelings aside and help them get the assistance they need, you need to evaluate your attachment to that person. If you can’t be supportive, you are not the kind of person they need in their life.

• You have to be willing to stand up to friends, family, and strangers for your partner & their service dog. You need to be able to draw very clear lines about your priorities. If a friend is verbally attacking your service dog team, you need to be able to shut that down.

• You must be willing to protect your service dog team. The dog cannot be protective, so if another dog comes tearing out of nowhere at your team, you need to be able to keep your team safe. If that means standing in between the oncoming dog and your team, or pushing it away, you need to have no second thoughts. Your service dog team’s safety is always a priority when the three of you go out in public.

• Work out a plan with your partner ahead of time and edit it from time to time as needed for who does what with the dog.

• When you feel that you need a break from training, stand up for yourself. Do it without yelling — just calmly say that you need some time away from the dog for a bit. This is perfectly acceptable. If you get too stressed out by the dog or your partner’s disability, you will eventually snap at them and that’s never good. Plus, that is a bad energy to have while handling the dog.

We both hope that this post helps partners everywhere find their voice, initiate open discussion about service dogs, and reveals a bit more of what it's really like to train your own service dog. 

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